Welcome my friends, to John Brown University, home of Granola Kids and Shotgun Weddings. This isn't just any college. This is a dream college. More specifically, this is your parents' dream college. A place where they can safely send you away, where you will be cared for, disciplined, fed bland food, and have your diaper changed regularly until you are old enough to go out into the world and get a fucking job. The advertising scheme is brilliant:
- "For a small price, JBU will take in your socially retarded children and give them back to you in 5 short years with a highly marketable degree in History and a basic grasp of how to speak with members of the opposite sex, after which you can probably pass them off as fully functioning human beings. A miracle, you say? Not at all! Just think of it as a money laundering service, except you're washing Homeschoolers instead of stolen $100 bills."
I don't know about you, but if I were a parent, I would sure as shit send my kid to JBU. I'll be able to keep tabs on them until they're 22, and they'll even thank me for it. That's right. Because JBU may just be the edgiest, grooviest Fundamentalist Christian College this side of the 19th century. Not only is dancing now allowed in certain pre-designated off-campus locations, but as of 2009 students can say "tushy" without having to ritually wash their mouths with soap afterwards. This is all part of a grand scheme to make students at JBU believe that they are, in fact, hippy liberals with unique opinions and valuable ideas. Surprisingly, this strategy has worked to subdue the student body even more effectively than routinely beating them with willow rods. The soporific effect of this limited freedom is so great, in fact, that whenever students at JBU have their civil rights abused, they just sit around and talk about how thankful they are that they don't attend Bob Jones. That would really suck, wouldn't it?
You know it.
So anyway, if you're still reading at this point, you probably think I'm some kind of tortured, bitter, drug-addicted atheist who is venting my frustrations on JBU because I never had a good relationship with my great aunt's dog.
This is largely untrue. I genuinely like my great aunt's dog. Furthermore, cynicism does not always equal nihilism, and I assure you that any disparaging remarks I make are relatively good-natured. I've been going to JBU for 3 years now and, for the most part, really like it. The fact that I actually care enough to bitch and moan this much should be taken as a good sign.
In fact, my friends, we should be grateful. After all, JBU has saved us collectively from a college career filled with debauchery, fornication and possibly even tobacco use. Without the aid of professional spiritual mentors and mandatory chapels, we would all be truly lost and incapable of making good decisions. We should cherish our time here, because walking the crooked, narrow and reportedly difficult path of righteousness will never, ever be this easy again. Seriously. Have you even tried scoring cheap weed here? it's fucking impossible. Much, much easier to just go with the flow and spend the weekends playing frisbee and speaking in tongues.
Anyway. I'm sleepy, and this post is starting to get weird.
Goodnight Friends!
I'll try to post more stuff this weekend.
